Couples who attend therapy have often been together for a long time, ranging from a few years to several decades. One common source of arguments arises from misunderstandings based on assumptions made about our partners. Couples may believe statements like, "I know them like the back of my hand" or "They should know me by now," assuming they have complete knowledge of their partner's thoughts, feelings, and behaviours in all situations. While this might be true to some extent, it's essential to recognize that this information can become outdated or inaccurate over time. To truly understand our partners, we need to pause and update our knowledge about them in the present moment.
A recent example of this occurred during a counselling session with a couple who mentioned that they had never gone on a holiday together. Upon further discussion, the husband revealed that when they first got together in their mid-20s, he wanted to travel around Asia, while his partner had no interest in that. She expressed a preference for caravanning and exploring Australia, which he had no interest in. This clash of desires led to a significant conflict, and they never revisited the topic again. However, in the session, the wife expressed that this was no longer the case, stating that she now had an interest in traveling to Asia. Similarly, the husband had developed an interest in caravanning since he retired. When had this changed for them, and what holidays in the meantime might they have both enjoyed had they been able to have a conversation about it?
This example illustrated how unresolved conflict prevented them from updating their information about each other's desires, resulting in missed opportunities for enjoyable experiences. Had they communicated openly, they could have discovered their shared interests much earlier.
In couple counselling, I often introduce "getting to know you" type questions early on to help partners truly understand each other. These questions rarely lead to conflict and provide a safe exercise for couples to spend time with one another, ask questions, and update their knowledge about each other. Building trust is an important aspect of any relationship, and knowing your partner's interests, likes, dislikes, worries, and aspirations fosters a sense of safety and security.
To know your partner deeply and have them know you in return creates a comforting and secure bond. Some examples you could start with may be;
· Who would you say your closest friend is now and why?
· Who was a role model for you growing up, and what did they teach you?
· If you could live in any other country in the world where would it be and why?
These can initiate meaningful conversations. Spending two days together on this retreat provides an opportunity to get to know your partner on a deeper level than ever before. Couples have consistently provided positive feedback, expressing how the retreat helped them better understand both themselves and their partners. These conversations foster curiosity and genuine interest in one another. As a bonus helpful tool, we offer couples a deck of cards with a variety of different question types during our retreat as a gift to take away.
If you wish to start this journey of deeper understanding with your partner, consider asking these types of questions. You can find many resources online or join us on our retreat.