Gottman’s longitudinal research findings

1.    Seek help early. The average couple waits six years before seeking help for marital problems. And keep in mind half of all marriages that end do so in the first seven years. This means the average couple lives with unhappiness for far too long.

2.    Edit yourself. Couples who avoid saying every critical thought when discussing touchy topics are consistently the happiest.

3.    Soften your ‘start-up’. Arguments first start up because a spouses sometimes escalate the conflict from the get-go by making a critical or contemptuous remark in a confrontational tone. Bring up problems gently and without blame .

4.    Accept Influence. A marriage succeeds to the extent that the couple can except influence from each other. A husband's ability to be influenced by his wife, rather than vice versa, is even more crucial because research shows women are already well practised at accepting influence from men and a true partnership only occurs when a husband can do so as well.

5.    Have high standards. Happy couples have high standards for each other even as newlyweds. The most successful couples are those who, even as newlyweds, refused to accept hurtful behaviour from one another. The lower the level of tolerance for bad behaviour in the beginning of the relationship, the happier the couple is down the road.

6.    Learn to repair and exit the argument. Successful couples know how to exit an argument. Happy couples know how to repair the situation before the argument gets completely out of control. Successful repair attempts include: changing the topic to something completely unrelated: using humour: stroking your partner with a caring remark ‘I understand it's hard for you’: making it clear you're on common ground, ‘this is our problem’: and in general offering signs of appreciation for your partner and his or her feelings along the way. If an argument gets too heated, take a 20 minute break, and agree to approach the topic again when you are both calm.

7.    Focus on the bright side. In a happy marriage, while discussing problems coupes make at least five times as many positive statements to and about each other and their relationship as negative ones. For example, ‘We laugh a lot’ not ‘We never have fun’. A good marriage must have a rich climate of positivity. Make deposits to your emotional bank account.

 

What brings people to Couples Counselling

For most people, raising concerns that things might not be working in their relationship, or having their partner raise it can be very difficult and confronting. Then making a decision to seek professional help can be daunting. Often it is just one person in the couple that thinks it’s a good idea and the other person might outright refuse or take some convincing. For the Couple Counsellor, working with some hesitation or resistance is not uncommon.

8 Tips for a Happy, Healthy Relationship

Relationships require work! Regular check-ins are key and being proactive in order to keep the relationship on track is vital. 

  1. Be empathetic towards your partner. Be interested and try to understand why your partner is acting the way they are.

  2. Make sure the positive experiences in your relationship outweigh the negative experiences by five to one. The key here is in noticing and acknowledging them.

  3. Learn to calm yourself before you continue the discussion. Even if this means having some space for a few minutes to breath and then returning to the discussion. Learn what your partner needs during times of conflict.

  4. When mistakes are made, make sure you both work together to repair the damage.

  5. Be your partners primary support person.

  6. Have a ‘team mentality'. When there are difficulties, talk about what ‘we' need to do about it.

  7. Be prepared to listen and be influenced by what is important to your partner, just as your partner needs to be influenced by you.

  8. Plan date nights or some form of regular time together doing something you both enjoy. Where possible add in some adventure or fun occasionally. If the adrenaline gets going so does the sexual desire!

The Importance of Accessing Professional Support Before, During, and After a Miscarriage

A miscarriage is a traumatic event that can seriously affect a women’s mental health. Miscarriage impacts approximately 15% of all pregnancies and has a significant impact on a women’s mental health, often leading to perinatal grief symptoms. Women may experience emotional numbness, a yearning for the lost child, battle with difficult emotions and struggle to find meaning. Some women recover more rapidly than others from the psychological burden of a miscarriage. Why?

What is Mindfulness?

Mindfulness involves choosing to pay attention, with kindness, acceptance and curiosity to whatever is happening right now and remembering the patterns or habits you observe. While one of the benefits of Mindfulness is often a feeling of being calm or relaxed, the purpose is more about gaining insight.

Emotions During Pregnancy

Often women attend their GP or Obstetrician during pregnancy and talk about the health of their baby. They may raise their concerns about morning sickness, cramps, headaches, backaches, or other physical discomforts, however few women talk about the difficulties they are facing coping with their changing, and often difficult, emotions.  It can be frustrating and exhausting to shift from one emotion to another, and be unable to explain what emotion you are feeling and why. Sometimes even feeling guilty about having particular thoughts or emotions.

Preconception to Post-Natal

A special interest for me is working with women and their partners during what can be a joyful time, a stressful time or a devastating time. I enjoy being able to work with individuals or couples, in a safe and secure environment, to discuss concerns regarding conceiving and raising a family. Preconception counselling can be a highly valuable way of communicating concerns, hopes and fears, and being able to hear your partners.