Understand Your Partner's World

Couples who attend therapy have often been together for a long time, ranging from a few years to several decades. One common source of arguments arises from misunderstandings based on assumptions made about our partners. Couples may believe statements like, "I know them like the back of my hand" or "They should know me by now," assuming they have complete knowledge of their partner's thoughts, feelings, and behaviours in all situations. While this might be true to some extent, it's essential to recognize that this information can become outdated or inaccurate over time. To truly understand our partners, we need to pause and update our knowledge about them in the present moment.

A recent example of this occurred during a counselling session with a couple who mentioned that they had never gone on a holiday together. Upon further discussion, the husband revealed that when they first got together in their mid-20s, he wanted to travel around Asia, while his partner had no interest in that. She expressed a preference for caravanning and exploring Australia, which he had no interest in. This clash of desires led to a significant conflict, and they never revisited the topic again. However, in the session, the wife expressed that this was no longer the case, stating that she now had an interest in traveling to Asia. Similarly, the husband had developed an interest in caravanning since he retired. When had this changed for them, and what holidays in the meantime might they have both enjoyed had they been able to have a conversation about it?

This example illustrated how unresolved conflict prevented them from updating their information about each other's desires, resulting in missed opportunities for enjoyable experiences. Had they communicated openly, they could have discovered their shared interests much earlier.

In couple counselling, I often introduce "getting to know you" type questions early on to help partners truly understand each other. These questions rarely lead to conflict and provide a safe exercise for couples to spend time with one another, ask questions, and update their knowledge about each other. Building trust is an important aspect of any relationship, and knowing your partner's interests, likes, dislikes, worries, and aspirations fosters a sense of safety and security.

To know your partner deeply and have them know you in return creates a comforting and secure bond. Some examples you could start with may be;

·         Who would you say your closest friend is now and why?

·         Who was a role model for you growing up, and what did they teach you?

·         If you could live in any other country in the world where would it be and why?

These can initiate meaningful conversations. Spending two days together on this retreat provides an opportunity to get to know your partner on a deeper level than ever before. Couples have consistently provided positive feedback, expressing how the retreat helped them better understand both themselves and their partners. These conversations foster curiosity and genuine interest in one another. As a bonus helpful tool, we offer couples a deck of cards with a variety of different question types during our retreat as a gift to take away.

If you wish to start this journey of deeper understanding with your partner, consider asking these types of questions. You can find many resources online or join us on our retreat.

What does the process of Couple Therapy look like

Phase 1:

We begin with the assessment phase, which involves an initial joint session to explore the timeline of your relationship, its ups and downs, your strengths and weaknesses, and the reasons that brought you to therapy. Afterward, there will be individual sessions with each of you to gather more information about your personal journeys, including early life experiences, previous relationships, physical and mental health, and other factors shaping who you are today. This deeper understanding allows me to grasp your individual backgrounds and how they influence your relationship. We then reconvene for another joint session to reflect on what I have learned so far, both about your individual paths and your shared journey as a couple. Together, we define the common goals for therapy and establish a plan tailored to your needs.

Ideally, I prefer to conduct the assessment phase in a four-hour in-person session. This format provides couples with an opportunity to process the emotional challenges that often arise during the initial session. It allows time for you to individually share personal experiences. Finally, coming together for the last session before therapy begins enables us to gather our thoughts, emotions, and create a roadmap for the future. This process gives couples a sense of direction and instills confidence. If necessary, sessions can be conducted over Zoom, although in-person sessions are preferred to build rapport and include non-verbal communication into my understanding of you, which can be harder to discern over online platforms.

Phase 2:

After the assessment phase, regular therapy sessions typically occur on a weekly basis. Initially, I recommend scheduling two-hour sessions for the first three or four weeks. This extended duration allows both individuals to have sufficient time and space to express their thoughts, concerns, and perspectives in an uninterrupted and safe environment. It is essential for each person to feel heard and validated, as well as provide the same for their partner. The frequency and length of these intensive sessions may vary depending on the specific needs of the couple, and I will provide guidance on this after completing the assessment phase.

Phase 3:

As therapy progresses, sessions transition to one hour per week and eventually to one hour every two weeks. This transition will be a collaborative decision, ensuring that all parties involved are comfortable with the change in frequency.

Phase 4:

The final phase of therapy focuses on maintenance and relapse prevention. At this stage, sessions may occur once a month, ensuring that the progress made during therapy is sustained in the long run.

On average, the entire therapy process for achieving healthy and sustainable change typically spans between one to two years.

My expectations of you in therapy:

Similar to exercise, attending a personal trainer once every two weeks won't lead to significant fitness improvements. It requires consistent effort between sessions. I will guide you on the work that needs to be done, but the more you invest in this process, the better and faster your progress will be. I will always ensure that any assigned homework feels safe and appropriate for everyone involved.

I expect you to attend scheduled sessions, understanding that unforeseen circumstances may occasionally arise. However, by engaging in this therapeutic process, you are communicating that your relationship and mental health are a priority. Your commitment to the process is crucial in making it work and demonstrating to your partner that they, and your relationship come first, even amid busy schedules or other obligations.

I expect you to be present and open during therapy sessions. Approach therapy with an open mind and heart, willing to hear what needs to change—sometimes within yourself. Be receptive to trying new approaches, even if they initially feel unfamiliar, structured, uncomfortable, or vulnerable. Remember that you sought therapy because something wasn't working, and by coming here, you hope to gain insights and strategies for positive change.

I expect you to be respectful of your partner, yourself, me and the process.  

If this feels right to you, and you are ready to begin, please head over to the Contact page and lets start the process. If you don’t think you can commit to any of these expectations, please consider whether it is the right time for couple therapy.

Gottman’s longitudinal research findings

1.    Seek help early. The average couple waits six years before seeking help for marital problems. And keep in mind half of all marriages that end do so in the first seven years. This means the average couple lives with unhappiness for far too long.

2.    Edit yourself. Couples who avoid saying every critical thought when discussing touchy topics are consistently the happiest.

3.    Soften your ‘start-up’. Arguments first start up because a spouses sometimes escalate the conflict from the get-go by making a critical or contemptuous remark in a confrontational tone. Bring up problems gently and without blame .

4.    Accept Influence. A marriage succeeds to the extent that the couple can except influence from each other. A husband's ability to be influenced by his wife, rather than vice versa, is even more crucial because research shows women are already well practised at accepting influence from men and a true partnership only occurs when a husband can do so as well.

5.    Have high standards. Happy couples have high standards for each other even as newlyweds. The most successful couples are those who, even as newlyweds, refused to accept hurtful behaviour from one another. The lower the level of tolerance for bad behaviour in the beginning of the relationship, the happier the couple is down the road.

6.    Learn to repair and exit the argument. Successful couples know how to exit an argument. Happy couples know how to repair the situation before the argument gets completely out of control. Successful repair attempts include: changing the topic to something completely unrelated: using humour: stroking your partner with a caring remark ‘I understand it's hard for you’: making it clear you're on common ground, ‘this is our problem’: and in general offering signs of appreciation for your partner and his or her feelings along the way. If an argument gets too heated, take a 20 minute break, and agree to approach the topic again when you are both calm.

7.    Focus on the bright side. In a happy marriage, while discussing problems coupes make at least five times as many positive statements to and about each other and their relationship as negative ones. For example, ‘We laugh a lot’ not ‘We never have fun’. A good marriage must have a rich climate of positivity. Make deposits to your emotional bank account.

8 Tips for a Happy, Healthy Relationship

Relationships require work! Regular check-ins are key and being proactive in order to keep the relationship on track is vital. 

1. Be empathetic towards your partner. Be interested and try to understand why your partner is acting the way they are.

2. Make sure the positive experiences in your relationship outweigh the negative experiences by five to one. The key here is in noticing and acknowledging them.

3. Learn to calm yourself before you continue the discussion. Even if this means having some space for a few minutes to breath and then returning to the discussion. Learn what your partner needs during times of conflict.

4. When mistakes are made, make sure you both work together to repair the damage.

5. Be your partners primary support person.

6. Have a ‘team mentality'. When there are difficulties, talk about what ‘we' need to do about it.

7. Be prepared to listen and be influenced by what is important to your partner, just as your partner needs to be influenced by you.

8. Plan date nights or some form of regular time together doing something you both enjoy. Where possible add in some adventure or fun occasionally. If the adrenaline gets going so does the sexual desire!